Brian #1 This man was born with a plectrum in his hand. No surgery was needed, they just tied a little bit of string around it. It died and fell off after a week. He plays guitar for us now, with a new plectrum he bought. Likes to turn it up to 11 and give the crowd plaque and thrush.

Brian #2 Found wandering alone and delirious in a remote Wexford bog, Brian was dressed up nicely by a Good Samaritan and donated to us, along with his Roland gear. He's learning to talk. Once, he thought he needed the jacks but it was just Braxton Hicks.

Lorraine Can she sing? Damn sure. Can she dance? I don't know, I didn't ask her. Step back and listen to the best voice in The Parish. We love you baby!

Robbie Following a protracted probationary period, our low-frequency-strings-man has settled into a career with IQ and the mediocrity it brings. He can be seen regularly purchasing new gear. When four strings simply aren't enough, get five. When one bass guitar simply isn't enough, acquire eight.

Alan Slick, tight, quirky and muscular, you can call him "Al". If you see him early at the venue, ask if he wants a hand with the drums. Mind he doesn't bite your head off though. Most days aren't good days to approach him.